Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
They took my balls.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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