I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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