i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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