You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
