im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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