I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
