i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
