After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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