I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
