woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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