What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
