You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
