can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
