I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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