I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
