My Higher Power is John Stamos
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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