I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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