drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
you had me at cake vodka
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
