dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
