fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
