The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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