I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Come on in and take your pants off
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