Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
