she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
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