The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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