1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
