He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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