I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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