Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
