It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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