I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
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