2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
the condom got lost in my hair
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
