So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
