My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
How naked do you want me to be?
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