Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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