I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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