I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
