I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize