Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I just found a bag of teeth...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
