o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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