She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
