Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
