Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
