My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
