there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
