can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
