I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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