i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
