when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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