My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
