those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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