Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
