Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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