Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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