do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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