I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize