Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
