Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
