she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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