I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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