I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
