So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
