drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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