TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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